Top All Time
The greatest hits. The hall of fame. The quotes that define us.
#1
“Do not come at me about the credit card bill when you literally bought a boat last year because, and I quote, 'it spoke to you.' A boat spoke to you, Derek. A boat.”
— My wifeIn the middle of an argument267 votes
#2
“I married you for your personality. I stay for the health insurance.”
— My wifeDuring dinner247 votes
#3
“Let me get this straight. You forgot to pick up milk, which I texted you about three times with pictures, and your defense is that you were 'thinking about space.' I want a divorce. Not really. But I ...”
— My wifeIn the middle of an argument234 votes
#4
“I told my therapist about you and she made a face. Like, a professional face. It wasn't good.”
— My girlfriendIn couples therapy211 votes
#5
“You breathe really loud for someone who's wrong.”
— My wifeDuring a serious conversation203 votes
#6
“I just want you to know that I'm not upset about the thing. I'm upset about the thing behind the thing. And also the original thing. And a third thing you don't even know about yet.”
— My wifeIn couples therapy198 votes
#7
“Babe. Babe. The giraffes don't have enough pillows. We need to help them.”
— My husbandWhile half asleep192 votes
#8
“I need you to understand that when I said 'fine,' there were actually seven different emotions packed into that word and none of them were fine.”
— My wifeIn couples therapy189 votes
#9
“I was going to let it go but then I thought about it for six hours and actually I have a few more points.”
— My wifeWhile I was trying to apologize178 votes
#10
“I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.”
— My partnerIn couples therapy176 votes
#11
“I spent three hours making this meal from scratch, used a recipe from your grandmother, and you're going to sit there and put ketchup on it? In front of me? In my own home?”
— My husbandDuring dinner173 votes
#12
“I don't want to sound dramatic but if you load the dishwasher like that one more time I will perceive it as a declaration of war.”
— My wifeDead serious167 votes
#13
“Are you apologizing or are you just making sounds?”
— My wifeWhile I was trying to apologize161 votes
#14
“When I said 'whatever you want for dinner,' that was a test and you failed.”
— My girlfriendDuring dinner158 votes
#15
“I'm not being passive aggressive. I'm being aggressive aggressive.”
— My wifeDead serious156 votes
#16
“I can't sleep because my elbows are too loud.”
— My wifeWhile half asleep155 votes
#17
“I fell in love with your potential and I'm still waiting.”
— My exIn front of my parents149 votes
#18
“I appreciate you apologizing but I need like 20 more minutes of being mad first. I'll let you know.”
— My wifeWhile I was trying to apologize147 votes
#19
“I don't need you to fix it. I need you to listen and agree that the universe is being specifically unfair to me.”
— My wifeDuring a serious conversation144 votes
#20
“I would die for you. But I would not share my fries for you.”
— My boyfriendDuring dinner143 votes
#21
“We don't need a budget, we need more money.”
— My wifeDead serious142 votes
#22
“I'm not saying I'm always right. But I've never been wrong in front of witnesses.”
— My husbandIn front of my parents140 votes
#23
“I'm not giving you the silent treatment. I'm giving you the chance to think about what you've done in a quiet environment.”
— My wifeIn the middle of an argument139 votes
#24
“Can you turn off the moon? It's too bright and it's looking at me weird.”
— My partnerWhile half asleep136 votes
#25
“No, go ahead. Explain. I could use a laugh.”
— My partnerIn the middle of an argument134 votes
#26
“I'm adding this to the list. Yes, there's a list. No, you can't see it. Just know it's long.”
— My wifeDead serious133 votes
#27
“I'm not saying your cooking is bad, I'm saying the smoke detector cheers when you walk away from the stove.”
— My husbandDuring dinner131 votes
#28
“You said you'd be ready in five minutes and that was forty-seven minutes ago. I've aged. I've grown as a person. I've accepted death. And you're still doing your eyebrows.”
— My husbandIn public128 votes
#29
“I had a dream you ate my leftovers and honestly I woke up a little mad at you for real.”
— My girlfriendWhile half asleep127 votes
#30
“I'm going to need you to lower your voice because my rage can only handle one volume at a time.”
— My partnerIn the middle of an argument125 votes
#31
“You made this dinner? On purpose? With ingredients?”
— My exDuring dinner122 votes
#32
“Your mother called. I told her we were busy. We weren't. I just chose peace.”
— My wifeDuring dinner120 votes
#33
“I love you but right now it's theoretical.”
— My girlfriendWhile driving118 votes
#34
“I love you. Not right now. But in general.”
— My husbandWhile I was trying to apologize115 votes
#35
“No, move the Wednesday. It's in the wrong place. Just slide it over.”
— My wifeWhile half asleep114 votes
#36
“Listen, I love your family. I do. But if your brother calls me 'champ' one more time I'm going to become the kind of person who flips a table at Thanksgiving and honestly I think I'd be justified.”
— My partnerWhile driving112 votes
#37
“Please don't take this the wrong way but everything you just said was the wrong way.”
— My fianceDuring a serious conversation110 votes
#38
“I Googled 'is my husband a golden retriever' and some of the results were actually helpful.”
— My wifeIn front of my parents109 votes
#39
“I saw the way that waitress smiled at you and I want you to know I could take her.”
— My girlfriendIn public108 votes
#40
“I feel like we're really growing as a couple. Mostly because I'm doing all the growing.”
— My partnerIn couples therapy105 votes
#41
“No. I heard you. I'm just choosing not to process it.”
— My partnerDuring a serious conversation104 votes
#42
“Sleep is just free trial death and I want the full version.”
— My husbandWhile half asleep102 votes
#43
“You know what your problem is? You think you're the main character. We're both the main character. It's an ensemble cast.”
— My fianceIn the middle of an argument101 votes
#44
“He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and then argued with my answer. Why did you ask.”
— My wifeIn front of my parents99 votes
#45
“You are the love of my life but if you touch the thermostat one more time we're going to have a real problem.”
— My wifeDead serious98 votes
#46
“I liked your opinion better when it was my opinion.”
— My wifeDuring a serious conversation97 votes
#47
“Every time you say 'we should talk,' I immediately start rehearsing my apology for things I haven't done yet.”
— My boyfriendDuring a serious conversation95 votes
#48
“You look nice. Did something happen?”
— My wifeCompletely unprompted94 votes
#49
“I didn't overcook it. I caramelized it aggressively.”
— My husbandDuring dinner93 votes
#50
“I asked him to plan date night and he suggested we go to the hardware store and then Wendy's.”
— My wifeDead serious91 votes