In the middle of an argument

“Do not come at me about the credit card bill when you literally bought a boat last year because, and I quote, 'it spoke to you.' A boat spoke to you, Derek. A boat.”

“Let me get this straight. You forgot to pick up milk, which I texted you about three times with pictures, and your defense is that you were 'thinking about space.' I want a divorce. Not really. But I ...”

“I'm not giving you the silent treatment. I'm giving you the chance to think about what you've done in a quiet environment.”

“No, go ahead. Explain. I could use a laugh.”

“I'm going to need you to lower your voice because my rage can only handle one volume at a time.”

“You know what your problem is? You think you're the main character. We're both the main character. It's an ensemble cast.”

“I'm not mad. I just have thoughts.”

“I wasn't ignoring you. I was prioritizing silence.”

“Google agrees with me. I checked.”

“I don't have trust issues. I have 'you said you'd do the dishes and I came home to a science experiment' issues.”