In front of my parents

“I fell in love with your potential and I'm still waiting.”

“I'm not saying I'm always right. But I've never been wrong in front of witnesses.”

“I Googled 'is my husband a golden retriever' and some of the results were actually helpful.”

“He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and then argued with my answer. Why did you ask.”

“You know how some people have a resting face? You have a resting wrong opinion.”

“Name one thing I've been wrong about this year. I'll wait. Actually, no I won't because there isn't one.”