During a serious conversation

“You breathe really loud for someone who's wrong.”

“I don't need you to fix it. I need you to listen and agree that the universe is being specifically unfair to me.”

“Please don't take this the wrong way but everything you just said was the wrong way.”

“No. I heard you. I'm just choosing not to process it.”

“I liked your opinion better when it was my opinion.”

“Every time you say 'we should talk,' I immediately start rehearsing my apology for things I haven't done yet.”

“That's a great idea if we want to get divorced.”